


Who Wants To Be A Hiatus?

by CaptainJZH



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Game Shows, Gen, Jeopardy parody, The Great And Wonderful Hiatus, but i love it, this is incredibly stupid
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-11
Updated: 2018-11-13
Packaged: 2019-08-21 20:34:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,419
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16583678
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CaptainJZH/pseuds/CaptainJZH
Summary: Three contestants— Malachite, White Diamond and Lars —are representing Steven Universe's top three hiatuses on a game show hosted by the lovely Sardonyx!And no matter who wins... we lose.





	1. Round 1

**Author's Note:**

> With apologies to Alex Trebek and Merv Griffin.

In a studio soundstage somewhere in the definitely noncanon world of fanfiction, flood-lights flashed on as theme music began to fill the air. Cameras focused on the three contestants on the stage, the announcer, Greg Universe, introduced them to the audience.

 

_ “She was under the ocean for several months while her components battled it out in a game of lies and deception,” _ Greg said into his microphone,  _ “One ended up corrupted and in a bubble, the other in a barn! You can guess who thought they got a raw deal. Representing the hiatus before Super Watermelon Island, in second place at 125 days: Malachite!” _

 

The teal monstrous fusion stood behind the comparatively small podium, smiling devilishly as the audience cheered on.

 

_ “She rules Homeworld with an iron fist...or so we assume because she hasn’t been seen for more than twelve seconds. Representing the hiatus after Legs From Here To Homeworld, in third place at 111 days, here’s White Diamond!” _

 

Even taller than Malachite, the towering silvery monarch bowed with an air of both magnificence and creepiness, her arms stretched out in a T-pose.

 

_ “And our returning champion: He died while stranded on an alien planet, but that hasn’t stopped this pink zombie yet! Representing the hiatus after Lars’ Head, at a whopping 164 days: Lars Barriga!” _

 

The resurrected teen was significantly smaller than the other two, but stood proudly nonetheless, even if he was incredibly nervous.

 

_ “And now the host of our show, the lovely Sardonyx!” _

 

The massive fusion waltzed onto the set, grinning at the thunderous applause from the audience and laughing loudly.

 

“Aha ho-ho,” Sardonyx giggled as she took a bow behind her lectern, “Welcome my friends and non-friends to  _ Hiatus!  _ The only game show where we  _ try  _ to make our fanbase cry unbearably! I’m joking, I’m joking. Anyway, you all know the rules— No leaks, no promos, and  _ definitely  _ no reruns.”

 

“I understand how to play,  _ Fusion,”  _ Malachite growled, “Just get to the game!”

 

“Well of course, _Fellow_   _ Fusion _ ,” Sardonyx nodded, turning to the board, “Shall we begin? Lars, you may start.”

 

“Oh! Uh… Sure!” Lars said, “Let’s go with ‘App Releases’ for 200.”

 

Sardonyx began reading the clue. “This bomb was released by accident in January 2017, airing nearly a month later.”

 

White Diamond buzzed in, still T-posing and smiling her unnerving smile, “What is ‘Out Of This World’?”

 

“Ho-ho! That’s right! You just added 2 days to your hiatus. Whitey, you pick the next one! And make it a good one!”

 

“Leaks, for 1000.”

 

“Okie dokie! The episode Super Watermelon Island was leaked in full by this Cartoon Network affiliate.”

 

Malachite aggressively buzzed in. “What is CN Brazil?!”

 

“Ooh, sorry,” Sardonyx shrugged, “The correct response was France. You know, France? With the baguettes? Anyway, White gets ten days as a result.”

 

“Gah!” Malachite exclaimed, “This game makes no sense!”

 

“It was designed by the Cartoon Network Scheduling Department, what did you expect?” Sardonyx shrugged, “Go again.”

 

“LEAKS! 800!”

 

“This storyboard leak came from Snapchat, and covered up this teenager’s death with a winky face emoji.”

 

Lars smugly buzzed in. “Who is me?”

 

“Right!” Sardonyx cheered, “Although you  _ should _ know who you are, if I’m being honest. Ha-ha! Joking again! Anyways darling, you’re up.”

 

“StevenBombs for 400.”

 

“Alrighty… This bomb was the first one in a while to actually air on television instead of an online pre-release.”

 

White Diamond rang in. “What is ‘Heart of the Crystal Gems’?”

 

“Correct again!” Sardonyx said, clapping her hands together, “She may be a malevolent dictator, but she knows her crummy scheduling! White now surpasses Malachite with 127 days.”

 

“Agh!” Malachite grunted, smashing her podium to pieces.

 

“We’ll be right back after these messages. Stay tuned, won’t you?”


	2. Round Two

The theme music played yet again, signaling a break in play. The three contestants remained on stage as the crew set up for the next round.

 

“So, uh,” Lars began, trying to make conversation, “they didn’t air your episode until the day  _ after  _ the convention?”

 

“Yes, yes, that was it,” White nodded, “Everyone was so upset. In fact, they’re  _ still _ upset.”

 

“Well at least they got some good fan-stuff out of it,” Lars shrugged.

 

“Easy for you to say!” Malachite shouted, “Your cliffhanger had a ton of potential! And then you got a fancy  _ preview _ at Comic Con or whatever where you were a captain and that gave them even  _ more  _ to work with!.”

 

_ “Preview,”  _ White mused, “I got a whole episode.”

 

“Yeah,” Malachite muttered as she sipped her water, “And you were in it for like ten seconds.”

 

“That is all one needs,” White smiled.

 

The theme music came on again, signaling that they were returning to the show. Sardonyx walked back on stage, greeting the audience and approaching the contestants.

 

“Welcome back everyone!” she waved, “Now Malachite! I’m told you were ‘put on the bus,’ as it were for a long time! Any idea why that was?”

 

“Stupid Peridot with her stupid redemption arc,” the teal fusion cursed under her breath.

 

“Well I wouldn’t imagine you would know much about redemption arcs, wouldn’t you?”

 

“And what’s that supposed to mean?”

 

“Nothing! Moving on, White Diamond! Now, I find you  _ very  _ interesting. You went how long without being name-dropped?”

 

“One hundred and fifty-three episodes, give or take of course.”

 

“And where were you all that time?”

 

“T-posing. It’s how one asserts dominance, after all.”

 

“...Right,” Sardonyx said, shaking her head, “Lars! You becoming a space captain was quite the accomplishment! Care to say how you got there?”

 

“Well it’s actually a very interesting story…”

 

“Whoopsie!” Sardonyx exclaimed, “Looks like you’ll have to tell it later because it’s time for the next round! Point values doubled, of course. Malachite, you go first.”

 

“Fine! Uh… Schedules and Practices for 2000!”

 

“This series dominates CN’s schedule nearly all the time, much to the chagrin of Steven Universe fans.”

 

“What is Teen Titans?!” the fusion bellowed.

 

“Ooh, sorry. The correct answer is Teen Titans Go!”

 

_ “Goddammit!” _

 

Malachite proceeded to stomp off the stage angrily, smashing through the wall and out onto the backlot.

 

“And with that,” Sardonyx said in her normal, cheerful voice, “Ol’ Mally C. is disqualified and White gains twenty days! She’s catching up, Larsie! You pick this time.”

 

“Oh, right! Shit, uh, I’ll take Hiatus-Driven Fanfics for 1600.”

 

“This fic about a titular brainwashed servant was put on its own hiatus following a bout of writer’s block. We understand, Corey!”

 

“What is Steven’s Corruption?” Lars replied as he buzzed in.

 

“No, sorry. That’s White Pearl, White Pearl. Go again.”

 

“Uh, how about Episode Titles for 800?”

 

“This ‘corny’ episode was theorized to be everything from the return of Jasper to the arrival of Blue Pearl. Fans were understandably disappointed.”

 

Lars rang in again. “What is Tiger Philanthropist?”

 

“No, but good guess. The answer was Gem Harvest. Again!”

 

“Episode Titles, 1600.”

 

“Due to a scheduling mistake, this episode was originally thought to be about Steven’s return from Homeworld. Dewey Wins ended up being that instead.”

 

White buzzed in this time. “What is Reunited?”

 

“Correct! White’s hiatus now has 163 days! Only one day behind Lars as we move into our final.”

 

“Gee, that was a short game,” Lars commented.

 

“Well the writer of this fic doesn’t want to write much more,” Sardonyx scolded, “So toughie! The category is Music, let’s hear it: This song doesn’t say much in the way of specifics, leading theories about its singer to range from Lapis to Stevonnie to even  _ Lars. _ You have 30 seconds, good luck!”

 

A slower version of the theme music started playing as the countdown began. Lars took a moment to think of his answer, while White seemed to know it immediately. 

 

“White, you said ‘What is Escapism’?,” Sardonyx nodded, “You are right, darling. If Lars doesn’t get it, your hiatus will surpass his.”

 

Lars began shaking nervously, but he felt confident in his answer.

 

“Your response was ‘Escapism,’ and you are right. But you didn’t answer in the form of a question!”

 

_ “What?!” _

 

“White Diamond’s hiatus is our new champion with 165 days! Gotta keep up that Diamonds-in-January tradition, after all! Join us next week when representatives from everyone’s favorite dead fics will compete for the longest time between updates! See you then!”

 

The audience applauded as the cameras pulled back, the theme music playing while the credits rolled.

 

“Uh, good game,” Lars stammered, looking for a way to shake the massive champion’s hand.

 

“Oh pink-one,” White smiled, “My games are  _ always  _ good.”

 

Lars couldn’t bring himself to disagree with that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> May CN Brazil's livestream possibly bless us with new information, or else we shall perish in this tundra, thirsty for leaks.

**Author's Note:**

> Yes, I know the title is a reference to Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, not Jeopardy.


End file.
